Did better today; I was pretty restrained during breakfast, splurged a bit at lunch as a result, exercised by going to Aikido, and had a pretty average dinner (by caloric standard, anyway.).
Feeling a bit better, but still tough to get into my pants. I am looking very much fortward to the day when my body reflects the inner Thin Man me.
Also have noticed quite definitely that late afternoon and evening are my achilles heel. That's when I really want to have something overly sugary and over fatty, partly because I know it's not good for me. I think this goes back to my days sneaking food at home after school. It's like I'm still doing that, and getting a good feeling out of it somehow.
I also noticed today, at the prompting of an article I read, that the first bite of anything is better than the rest. So, trying good stuff, like fudge, should be done with small bites that are allowed to last and linger in the mouth. A lot of water handy to drink afterward can help keep the follow-up urges contained.
Today was going very well, until dessert. Even during dinner - a dinner party with four of our closest friends - I was restrained and ate only until I was full and made sure to include a substantial salad. Then after dinner, all I could think about was dessert. When would we be having it; could I take two pieces of pie without everyone thinking I was a pig; what else could I get and eat that was sweet and caloric.
I ended up eating a second piece of pie after our guests left. While they were here I got down honey and spread it on a piece of bread leftover from dinner. Tonight Juana isn't acting open to my advances, despite kissing in the kitchen. I'm feeling rejected and fat and unwelcome. Part of this is having signed up to host second sunday soup; she feels put upon and overworked.
I think one thing I need to do is make more gestures of affection toward her. Even small things like an e-mail, a phone call, or a note can make a difference. And bigger things, such as a book, a surprise lunch, or just dropping by to see her make even more difference.
I'm not sure why dessert was such a fixation tonight; but it really was. I could barely track the conversation at the table because of the noise level of the conversation in my head; worse, I don't have any clear memories of what was being said during those conversations in my head, I just remember it being cacaphonous.
Today I'm beginning my journey toward the thin, fit man I am. I've been noticing lately that I feel too big to fit inside my skin (let alone my pants!). I have a hard time with some moves in Aikido. I get tired easily trying to keep up with my two sons. And I feel ashamed of my body when it comes to intimacy with my wife.
Reading up on changing habits and creating new habits, over at Zen Habits, I found posting a public blog was a recommended step. This is my record, mostly for my personal use but also hopefully inspiring for anyone who stumbles across it.
My goals: 160 lbs, able to do streching easily, able to keep up with my sons easily, able to participate in Aikido without thought of my belly, able to fit into all my pants (this is how I'll be measuring success); satisfied eating.
I've realized over my past attempts that I have a stress related trigger with a delay factor. Sugar and starchy fatty sugar are my vices. I like and enjoy chocolate and other sweets, so I need to build those into my plan.
That's enough for tonight, it's getting late. More tomorrow.