Saturday, 20081108

Today was going very well, until dessert.  Even during dinner - a dinner party with four of our closest friends -  I was restrained and ate only until I was full and made sure to include a substantial salad. Then after dinner, all I could think about was dessert.  When would we be having it; could I take two pieces of pie without everyone thinking I was a pig; what else could I get and eat that was sweet and caloric.

I ended up eating a second piece of pie after our guests left.  While they were here I got down honey and spread it on a piece of bread leftover from dinner.  Tonight Juana isn't acting open to my advances, despite kissing in the kitchen.  I'm feeling rejected and fat and unwelcome.  Part of this is having signed up to host second sunday soup; she feels put upon and overworked.  

I think one thing I need to do is make more gestures of affection toward her.  Even small things like an e-mail, a phone call, or a note can make a difference.  And bigger things, such as a book, a surprise lunch, or just dropping by to see her make even more difference.

I'm not sure why dessert was such a fixation tonight; but it really was.  I could barely track the conversation at the table because of the noise level of the conversation in my head; worse, I don't have any clear memories of what was being said during those conversations in my head, I just remember it being cacaphonous.  

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